For All These Times
by munrochambers4ever
Summary: Eli trys to let go of Julia for Clare's sake. But it's hard to do when everything in his room reminds him of her. Somewhat of a song fic. R&R : Some Fluff. *NOW COMPLETE!*
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: WOO F**KING HOO! I finally got over my writers block so, yes, that deserves swearing(: last night, I was trying to sleep, listening to music and BAM. I had the perfect idea for story. I mean I think this might be my best work. I hope you guys like it and it is loosly based on the song "For all these times, son, for all these times" by Lost Prophets. In the beginning of each chapter, I'm putting a lyric from that song(: I hope you enjoy.**

_So can you feel your heartbeat racing? Can you feel the tension rise?_

I was sitting against the head stone of Julia Mason(1) with the cold ground under me. Sometimes, it felt kinda weird- knowing that Julia's body was right beneath me, but usually I closed my eyes and pretended I was sitting on her bed watching her sleep like I always used to.

The cold cement was comforting now. It made it seem like she was really here.

My phone buzzed. I looked at the text message from Clare. _I'm ready to come over, Eli, whenever you want to pick me up. _

I sighed. I liked Clare. I liked Clare _a lot_. But she'll never amount to my Julia(2)

"Clare is helping me clean out my room, Jules," I said out loud, almost expecting an answer. "It's getting harder, though. Now that we have thrown at the pointless stuff, it's come time to deal with the stuff that reminds me of you. It takes a lot long and a lot more persuasion to get me to throw it away. I usually have to tell Clare the story behind it, then it's a little easier to say goodbye,"

I rolled onto one of my knees and touched the 'J' of the tombstone. As I closed my eyes, I felt the warm tears stream down my cheeks and fall of my chin. "I miss you, Jules," I whispered.

I don't know if it was my imagination or if there was a God, but the wind blew around me after I said that and I could smell her perfume.

I beeped my horn in front of Clare's house and she came running out, carrying garbage bags. When she got in, she greeted my with a tiny peck on the lips.

"Why are you so cold?" she wondered as I pulled out and began driving.

"I've been outside for about an hour,"

"Eli, you're gonna catch a cold. What were you doing?"

"Visiting Julia," I answered honestly. I heard Clare stifle a sigh and she looked out the window. I knew she didn't like it when I visited Julia, but I couldn't help it. After visiting her, it made it easier to throw some things away.

I didn't respond to Clare's sigh and just pulled into my driveway. I helped her with the garbage bags as we headed up to my room.

Within the past couple months, we had made a pathway to my bed and I was able to open the door all the way. I sat against my bed, next to a box that said _**Keep.**_ Clare put the garbage bags next to the box and looked around.

"Where would you like to start today?" she asked.

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter,"

She sighed again and picked up a newspaper article. After reading it over she handed it to me. "See, this isn't junk. You can keep this,"

I took the paper from her and glanced at it. After I saw the picture and the words I had memorized, I closed my eyes and tried to get the images out of my head. Julia's obituary shook in my hand and Clare took it from me to put it in the box.

Keeping stuff was a lot easier than throwing it away, of course, but each thing we looked at made me think of Julia and that wasn't easy.

The next thing Clare picked up was a hairbrush. "You cant keep this, Eli, it's a hairbrush," she handed it to me so I could throw it away.

I took it from her, but just held it in my hands, touching the bristles. "I cant," I whispered, closing my eyes.

"Yes, you can, Eli,"

"No. It was Julia's,"

"You cant keep her old hairbrush. She's in your heart, Eli, not in a brush,"

I took in a deep breath and nodded. My hand was shaking terribly as I put the hairbrush in the garbage bag. It was like throwing Julia away. I felt like a tiny, tiny piece of me was gone.

I looked around the room and realized that all the stuff that belonged to Julia had become part of me. By the time I threw it all away, I'd feel empty. No Julia, nothing to remind me of her.

Clare put her hand over my hand. "Are you okay?"

"I just need a minute,"

"Do you wanna talk? About Julia? About the brush? I'm here," she promised.

I shook my head. "There's nothing to talk about. She brushed her hair with it. That's all,"

She nodded and squeezed my hand. "Do you wanna keep going?"

I nodded and picked up a candle off the floor. I looked at it and back at Clare. "Trash, right?"

"You don't need a candle. Did Julia give this to you?"

"N-no, I gave it to her," I whispered. "But, you're right, I don't need it,"

It wasn't as hard putting the candle into the trash bag. Julia never liked it, after all. We never even lit it. It just stayed on my dresser until things started piling up there, too.

Clare smiled. "It seems like it's becoming easier,"

I shrugged. "Some things. But other things are harder,"

"We can take our time,"

I nodded. "Thank you, Clare. I know this is hard for you. Just to sit here and wait for me to throw away things and hear stories about my ex-girlfriend,"

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I know this is hard for _you_. Julia meant a lot to you, that feeling just doesn't go away,"

I smiled at her. "Thank you," I repeated.

She leaned in and pecked me on the lips.

I sighed again and looked around my room, for something easy to throw away. All the things in my room just screamed Julia at me.

**Author's note: bad? Good? What do you think? Let me know (:**

**(1) Julia Mason? I know what you're thinking…Spinner Mason. No matter what I always make Julia's last name Mason and it's a really long story. If you must know PM me and I'll tell you because it's just too long for an author's note. **

**(2) I have a VERY strong opinion on the Eli/Julia plot which is why this book is going to be pretty angsty. In my opinion, I think Eli should be a little more messed up over her death because I feel that he loved her more than Clare. Sorry if your opinion's different, but that's why they're opinions. **

**Reviews? Pleeeeeeeease?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: I didn't get any reviews, but with this story its all just buzzing in my head and I need to write it out before I forget it so there will be random updates all the time(: I hope you guys liked this one it took some time to detail everything right.**

_Part of where you're going, Is knowing where you're coming from._

Clare moved to the other side of the room and brought over a broken CD. When I saw it, my heart stopped. I felt my eyes fill with tears and my whole body burned.

"Alright, Eli, we can throw this away because it's broken," she went to go put it in the bag, but I snatched it from her.

"N-no, I cant," I said in a strangled voice, clutching the CD close to me.

"Eli, it's broken. You cant use it. You need to throw it away,"

I shook my head, closing my eyes, fighting the images. I dropped the CD in my lap and clutched my forehead with my fingernails. Maybe I could claw the images out?

Clare's hands were on my, prying them away from my face. "Eli, stop it, calm down, it's okay,"

This wasn't the first time I tried to get rid of the images drastically, but this was different. These images hurt me. I couldn't think about them.

I ripped my hands away from Clare's and gripped my hair. "Julia!" I yelled out, desperate. Maybe she could make them go away- where ever she was.

I felt all of Clare's arms wrap around my shoulders. "Eli, please, you have to calm down,"

I continued sobbing, shaking, tossing my head side to side, wanting the images of that night out of my head.

"Eli, shh, it's okay, nobody's hurt. Everyone's okay. I have faith in you. You can do it. You can throw away the CD,"

"I cant!" I yelled, breathlessly. "I cant throw it away,"

"Eli, it's broken,"

I started rocking back and forth. Clare kept her arms around me and held me tighter. "I _cant_!" I yelled again.

"Tell me why, talk to me,"

"I cant,"

"Eli, I'm here to listen. It's okay,"

She was pushing me too close to the edge. The images were burning fuel in my brain that only made me angrier. My body ached with the memory and I wanted Julia back. I _needed_ Julia back. "Julia!" I called out again. "Please!"

Clare held me tighter. "Just tell me, Eli, it'll make it easier to throw it away,"

My mind was a hundred different places. On Clare. My parents. Julia. Julia. Julia. Always Julia. That night. That song. That CD. Julia. The way it felt. Julia. The sounds. The sights. The feeling. The taste. Julia.

"It was the CD we were listening to the night Julia and I had sex for the first time!" I yelled, desperate to get the images to go away.

They faded once I said it out loud. I heard Clare grit her teeth. This was _why_ I was holding the memory back. She didn't need to know.

I was calmer now, after getting that out there. I took in deep breaths and waited for Clare to say something. "Eli, it's a broken CD. You can go buy a new one of the same kind to listen to that song,"

The song lyrics started running through my mind and I shook me head again, trying to get them out. "No! I c-cant listen to it, but giving it away seems like I'm giving everything about me away,"

Clare nodded. "We usually talk about your memories. You describe them. To be honest, Eli, I don't want to hear that. Here," she handed me a notebook and pen. "Write it down. That way you can look back at this,"

I took the notebook from her and took in a deep breath. Could I do this? Sit here and write about the most important night of my life without going crazy.

I knew I had to, if I wanted to get better. I wasn't sure how my mind worked but all I know is that when I pick up an item that reminds me of Julia, the images come at me at full blast. But once I talk about the memory more and more the images fade until the pain is bearable. I've never written it before. Only talked about it.

Would this be different?

I began writing with shaky hands.

_My Blink 182 greatest hits CD was on. It was the third time I've listen to it since I'd bought it. There was a knock at the door from downstairs and I ran down to answer it. _

_Julia stood before me in the doorway. Her make-up running down her face with her never-ending tears. The only thing I could do was take her in my arms and hold her while she cried._

"_Jules, shh, shh, stop crying. It's okay, shh," _

_I pulled her up to my room and sat her down on the bed. She clung to me, crying wordlessly. "Shh," I murmured over and over stroking her hair._

"_Eli, I hate her, she hates me," she sobbed._

"_Who hates you? What's going on?"_

"_Megan. She hates me, she wants to make my life hell,"_

_Megan was her step-mom and ever since her dad remarried, Julia and Megan have never seen eye-to-eye. _

"_What did she do?"_

"_She saw that I had a picture of my mother on my wall and she ripped it down. She told me my mother was dead and I needed to get over it,"_

I didn't understand her pain of that night until now. I took in another deep breath and kept writing.

"_You have every right to miss your mom and if she doesn't like it, she can screw herself,"_

_Julia actually managed to laugh, but then she cried again. "Megan said if I cant accept the fact that my mom was dead, I should leave. I didn't have anywhere else to go,"_

"_You can stay here as long as you want. I promise. It's no trouble,"_

_She nodded into my shoulder then wiped her tears. "Thank you,"_

"_Anything for you," I promised, pressing my lips to her forehead._

_Her arms wound around my neck and she locked our lips._

_Kissing Julia was nothing like kissing Clare. I felt every emotion on Julia's lips. She didn't keep anything reserved. She was a wild one._

_I kissed her back, my hormones taking over as she moved to straddle me. I moaned in the kiss and yanked on her hair. _

_She bit my bottom lip and ran it threw her teeth I moaned louder. My "personal area" was starting to tighten against my jeans. _

_Julia moved her hands from around my neck to unbutton my jeans. When she unzipped my jeans, I couldn't help myself and I was pushing myself onto her. _

_She began taking off my shirt and I spent no time taking hers off. "Julia, wait,"_

"_What?" she asked on my neck._

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Of you? Definitely. You're the only one I can trust, Eli,"_

"_But you're sad and confused. I cant take advantage of you,"_

"_You're not. I'm completely sure of this. Eli, I want you,"_

_With those four words my hormones kicked in again and suddenly, I was working her out of her skinny jeans. She slipped my boxers off just as I unclasped her bra and took off her panties._

_When I was about to enter her she stopped me. "Condom?"_

"_Right," I reached for my jeans and pulled out a condom. After putting it on and about to enter her the next time, she stopped me again. "Eli, I'm scared,"_

"_Of what?" I whispered. This waiting was staring to get painful._

"_Will it hurt?"_

"_I think so. I'll be gentle, though, I promise,"_

_She nodded and bit her lip._

_It felt SO GOOD to enter her. The only bad thing was the tears that escaped her eyes. I caught them with my lips. "I'm sorry, Jules, I am,"_

"_It's okay. I'm okay. You can move now,"_

"_Okay…" I started moving slowly in and out of her, trying to be gently, but it was getting really hard to. It felt so much better to go faster._

_Just as if Julia could read my thoughts she said, "Faster,"_

_I didn't need to be told twice._

_She met me halfway with the thrusts and once we both hit our climax I pulled out and collapsed next to her. _

_All I could think in that moment was I just took the most important thing from my one true love and she just took what I've wanted to give her since I laid eyes on her._

I put the pen down and closed the notebook. It was hard to write. But I remembered that night with such detail, that I could finally get it all done. Clare came over and sat next to me. "Done?" she asked.

I put the CD in the bag. "Yeah. I guess it's better to write it down if I cant talk about it with you,"

She smiled. "I understand. But, you can talk to me about anything else. Now, moving on,"

She grabbed concert ticket and held it up. "Memory?" she asked.

I sighed and took the ticket out of her hand. Holding it made Julia feel closer. It brought the burning images back and I felt like I was being burning from the inside out.

Oddly enough, now it felt comforting. The burning let me know what Julia and I had was real. And that we'd be together again someday.

**Author's note: okay, in the next chapter you do get the back flash on the concert ticket and just a warning the next chapter will be D E P R E S S I N G. you will cry. I cried. It will also be longer. But sadder. And a ciff hanger. So if you want it…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: alright I have to say this. ****Swanstream**** you are my favorite person at the moment. You review all of my stories. You're so sweet. AND you like Julia more than Clare? Be my best friend? Please(: lol. But anyway, I cried while writing this chapter and you'll cry reading it. (and I lied. This chapter wont be that long only because I have to go nighty-night. Sorry) **

_For all these times that I hear you say "Give me something to believe in. Give me someone to believe in" _

"This concert was when me and Julia had our first kiss," I whispered. Clare had moved to sit next to me again and she read the date on the ticket.

"So, do you want to keep it?"

"I want to keep everything in this room, Clare, but I cant. You can throw away the ticket,"

She nodded. "You really are getting good at this," she said, putting the ticket into the bag.

"Yeah, well…" I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Some things were easy to let go of. Other things I needed to hold on to.

Clare picked up a notebook and put it down when her phone rang. "My mom is out front. I have to go home. Don't finish with out me. I'll be back tomorrow,"

I nodded. "Bye, Clare,"

"Goodbye, Eli," she kissed me and walked out of the room.

I looked down at the notebook she had picked up. It was a math notebook from 9th grade. I didn't know why I had it. I opened the notebook and looked at the picture of Julia that was in it, along with her phone number.

I touched her cheek through the picture and tried to remember what her skin felt like. Why? Why couldn't I remember? I was already forgetting her!

No.

My head was pounding, so I walked to the bathroom to get an aspirin. I shuffled through the medicine cabinet, looking for the pill bottle when something fell.

It was a razor. It fell right into the sink and clatter against it. I stared down at the razor.

Once I touched the razor, Julia was all I saw. A blurry memory of her. The lines were melted, I couldn't make out the details of her face.

Without even realizing what I was doing, I felt the razor break skin on my wrist. I _should _pull it away. I _should_ stop my arm from bleeding.

But I didn't want to.

Because the deeper I cut, the clearer the image of Julia became. I could make out the grey eyes sparkling in the sun. Deeper. I could see the shine to her black hair. Deeper. I could see the lines in her skin, permanently there from smiling. Deeper. I could see her bright white teeth, clashing against her black outfit and hair. Deeper. I could hear her laugh. Deeper. I could hear her say my name.

"Eli!"

Deeper. _Yes, Julia?_ I answered in my mind.

"Elijah!" Deeper.

_You know I don't like being called that._

"Eli, stop it!"

Deeper. _I want to see you, Jules._

The image became stronger and I felt like she was right there. Deeper. She frowned and glared at me, grey eyes becoming slits. Deeper. I wanted to feel her. What did she feel like now? Deeper. Warmth. I felt warmth all over me. Deeper. _Julia, you're so warm_. Deeper.

"Eli, oh my god!"

_No, God, Jules. Me. I'm here with you. _Deeper.

"Help!"

Deeper. _Julia, I will help you. I'm here. _

"Eli…"

Deepest.

**Author's note: OHHHH giant cliff hanger. I literally cried writing this. If this ever happens to Eli on the show Stephen Stohn will definitely hear it from me. Eli should never ever do this. I love you guys forever and you'll have to review to find out if he's okay. (:**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: wow so giant cliff hanger then I don't update for a whole day. Gosh, I'm a loser :P lol. But I wasn't home. I just walked through the door. Anyway. I have like NO reviews on this story and that makes me sad ): thanks for those that have reviewed. OH and ****Swanstream**** I have braces, too. They are not fun. But in the end they'll be worth it. (or at least that's what I keep telling myself)**

_Always the wrong place at the wrong time_

Darkness.

Pitch black.

Aching.

Where was Julia? Why couldn't I see her anymore? The last thing I remember was seeing her face frown at me and hearing her say my name. After that, it was just blackness for a very long time.

I didn't scare easily, but this blackness was terrifying. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't hear anything. Just darkness. I felt like I wanted to cry.

I was alone. Just me in my emptiness.

So this was what dying was like?

What a pisser. I thought I'd at least get to see Julia. Hold her hand as we went to Heaven or Hell. Tell her how much I've missed her and how much I love her.

But she wasn't anywhere to found. I wished I could hear her. Or at least see her. At lease see _anything_.

_Julia? _I asked I my mind. She could read my thoughts earlier. Why not now? What had changed?

_Julia!_ I tried again, but nothing. None of the blackness faded. I didn't know what was going on, what I had done, what anyone had done, where I was, what was happening. I was petrified.

After a while of seeing the blackness, it started to fade. It wasn't so overpowering now and I could hear. I could hear the most annoying beeping noise in the world. _Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. _Beep after fucking beep. It was aggravating.

Next I heard breathing. Broken whispered of promises and love. My name. _Julia_? Was she coming to take me. _Yes_.

"Eli, I love you,"

_I love you, too, Jules. Take me,_

"Eli, no, it's not Julia,"

_What_? Who else? Satan? Jesus? As if.

The next thing that happened was I could feel and immediately wanted to go back to the numbness. My arm was on fire. I felt like someone was taking a flamethrower to my arm. _Stop!_ Whoever it was, if it wasn't Julia, they were burning me. _Please stop!_ My arm kept throbbing and burning. It hurt. I could feel something cool touch it, but it didn't stop the burning.

Next, I could feel something wet falling from my eyes. Tears? Was I crying? I was dead. Dead people don't cry.

Finally, my mind came back to me and I opened my sore eyes.

Clare. I stared into her deep blue eyes, tears streaking down her face. She was holding my wrists in her hands. I looked around, shocked. The annoying beeping was a heart monitor. I had tubes and wires all over me.

A hospital? Why was I here? What happened?

Clare stared back into my eyes, waiting for me to say something. But I didn't have my voice back yet. I felt more wetness on my cheeks and reached up to touch my face. When my fingers away and saw the tears, I looked at them confused. Why was I crying?

"Eli?" Clare asked, tentatively.

I looked back into her eyes, raising my eyebrows as if to answer _yes?_

"Can you speak?"

I opened my mouth and tried to force a sound out. I felt like a little kid that was just learning how to talk. I said her name slowly. "Cl-are?"

She smiled slightly. "Eli,"

"Wh-at hap-pened?" I asked, still slowly and quietly.

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head.

"I left my hoodie in your room. When I came back to get it, I heard you talking. You kept saying 'Julia' or 'Jules' so I walked into the bathroom and found you sitting on the floor in a pool of your own blood. But you _kept_ pressing the blade harder and harder to your wrist even when I tried to talk to you. You kept saying 'Julia.' You thought I was Julia,"

I blinked a few times, taking it in.

"You had to have a blood transfusion. You lost a lot of blood. You just started waking up and talking now, but it was still about Julia.

"I-m sor-ry,"

She took my hand. "It's okay, Eli. I know how hard this is for you, but you have to promise to never leave me again. I was so scared when I found you, Eli. I know you're sad, but you cant do this,"

"I-m sor-ry,"

"It's okay. Just please, promise me that?"

"I pro-mise,"

She smiled. I loved Clare. I really did. She made me feel better. Sometimes- when we weren't cleaning out my room or talking about Julia- she eased the guilt. But I could never forget Julia. My Julia. Forever mine, I'm forever hers. I could see Clare and I with a future, but nothing could compare to my life with Julia. I tried. I tried _so_ hard to be fully with Clare, but I always felt that part of me was still with Julia.

I missed her so much.

"I love you," I said. The first words I spoke fully.

"Are you talking to me or Julia?" she snapped.

I flinched and the pain in my wrist flared. _Julia_? Was she the pain in my wrist? The burn? Always there to remind me what I did? No, that's crazy. I shook me head and looked back at Clare. "You,"

"Eli, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. I just…I never know, now that you talk to her,"

"I don't talk to her," I said, finally getting my voice back. "I just thought I was talking in my mind when I was trying to kill myself,"

"Were you trying to kill yourself, Eli? Truly trying to die?"

I swallowed and ignored the flaming pain in my wrist. "I didn't know I was. All I know…is that the deeper I cut, the more I could see Julia. But I didn't realized what I was doing until I woke up here,"

Clare nodded. "Your parents are worried, too,"

"They should be,"

"Do you think you'll be okay?"

I shrugged, and winced. Any movement of my wrist had the flames turned on. "I…don't know. I hope I can be. I hope you wont leave me. I need you to help me, Clare,"

"I'll be here, as long as you want me,"

"Forever,"

She smiled and leaned her head to me. "Let me know if this hurts,"

I closed my eyes and let her lips touch mine. It didn't hurt at all and I kissed her back.

She sat back down and smiled at me. "I'm glad you're okay,"

"Thank you for saving me,"

"I had to. I cant let you leave me,"

I smiled at her. "Never again. I promise,"

She nodded and I got lost in my thoughts. How could I promise her I wouldn't hurt myself, when I didn't even realize I had hurt myself? I sighed and looked around, trying to focus on anything other than my flaming wrist.

**Author's note: so Eli lived. Obviously. I couldn't ever write a book where Eli died. I just don't have that in me. But I hope I did a pretty good job of the whole "dying" process. I mean I've never died, but that's what I think it would be like. Reviews? Please? **


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry but I'm back to my writers block, so who wants to give me suggestions?

_**Lip Gloss Lies, Doing The Time**_

**Julia Anne Mason. Born October 4, 1994-April 22, 2009.**

**Daughter, sister, friend, lover. She will be missed. **

**Julia's headstone was always welcoming to me. I sat on the ground next to it, closing my eyes and rubbing my wrist. It hurt **_**so**_** bad when I did that, but the pain let me know Julia was real. It was about to rain- I could feel it in the air, but I'd wait till it did before I left.**

**Julia was **_**so close**_** to me last week. I was close enough that she felt **_**with me**_** and Clare had to ruin that. I didn't blame her, though, because she couldn't let me go. After all, I was in the same boat.**

**But part of me couldn't help but be mad at her. For one, I wanted to be with Julia more than anything in the world and I was willing to pay any price. For another, now I was on suicide watch at school, at home, and I'm not allowed to be alone anymore. I even have to sleep in the living room where my parents can keep an eye on me.**

**At school, I was seeing a counselor three times a week. I had nothing against counselors, but I couldn't sit there for an hour, talking about how much I miss Julia. That would put me in pain and "endanger my life." Whenever, I thought about Julia, I just felt like taking that blade to my wrist.**

**So I decided to rub my wrist whenever I thought of her. That way, I felt the pain that almost brought me to her. It her like fuck sometimes, but whenever it did, I felt like Julia was saying **_**Eli, I'm here. This pain is me. I am your pain. **_

**Julia was my pain. All the time. My every thought. Clare helped. I mean, kissing her clouded my brain, but I couldn't kiss her every time I thought of Julia- Clare **_**did**_** need air, after all. **

**So I was stuck. Always stuck. I couldn't wait for the day I died. Not only to be with Julia, but it wouldn't be so confusing anymore. No more therapy, no more unhappiness, no more pain. Even if there was no heaven, I would still be out of pain.**

**The water started dripping on my face and I opened my eyes. It was raining. I turned to face the headstone. "Hey, Jules. Remember how you used to love rain? You used to take me out to run around in it whenever it rained. I hated that. I don't like rain. Never have. But seeing you dance around in the rain- your make-up all over your face, yet it was still glowing and happy, made me happy. Let me just say, you being drenched was very **_**sexy**_**."**

**I touched the 'J' of the headstone and trailed my fingers along the rest of the name. "I think it's kinda like karma that you died the night it was raining. Well, maybe not karma, that's not the right word. Maybe it was **_**fate**_**. At least you died in something you loved."**

**I laughed without humor and ran my hand along the 'Anne' and 'Mason' part of the stone. "And you bike. That damn bike. You would ride it **_**everywhere**_**. Even when I would offer you rides in Morty," I laughed. "I remember when you made me ride a bike to the park with you. I fell twice and got a bloody lip. At least you were there to kiss it better. I never liked bike riding. When you made me go that first time, it **_**was**_** my first time. I guess I never told you that, but it was. You kinda taught me how to ride a bike, Jules. Whatever. That's why I have a car, now."**

**I sighed. All these memories were easier to talk about with her grave. It was all that was left of her, after all, so I might as well make use of it. **

**Now, I ran my hand over her birthday. "Your birthday is in two months. You'd be eighteen. I never liked how you were older than me. It gave you more power," I laughed again. It was getting ridiculous how much I was laughing right now. Nothing was funny. "Even though I was bigger, and stronger and more dominant than you were, you always had that smidge of power of me because you were older. Anyway, I'll be back on your birthday. Most likely before than, but I have counseling now because of me 'suicide attempt.'" **

**Now I sighed and ran my hand along the 'lover' part of her gravestone. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to be with you. Well, I guess that means I would have to die, doesn't it? That wasn't my intention, though. I don't know, I just didn't understand what was going on. Well, Jules, I gotta go. I told my mom I was over at Clare's because I'm not allowed to be alone. Everyone thinks I'm gonna try to do it again. But I'm not. I don't want to leave Clare. I love her. I just…love you more. I should probably get to Clare's house so I don't feel so bad about lying. And it's raining. I hope you're enjoying it," I whispered. I rested my head back on the 'J' of her grave. "Bye, Julia. I love you,"**

**I got up and walked through the cemetery to Morty. I sat in the car, drenched from head to toe, pondering if I really wanted to go to Clare's. My mom think I'm there anyway. This may be my only time to be alone for a while. **

**I drove to The Dot which I guess wasn't where I should go if I wanted to be alone, but at least no one there would be asking me twenty questions about the 'suicide attempt.' **

**Peter Stone was working the counter and he gave me a menu. I read it over, not really looking at anything. I heard the door open and I turned to see who it was. With my luck, it would probably be my mom. **

**It was Drew and Adam Torres with KC Guthrie. Adam looked bored, while KC and Drew were talking about football and girls and everything else the 'normal' boys would talk about. **

**When Adam spotted me, he came over and sat next to me. Peter handed him a menu, too, and he gave it back. "No, I'm good. Thanks anyway,"**

"**You're too polite," I grumbled to Adam.**

"**Sorry, I kill 'em with kindness,"**

**I laughed. It felt good to actually joke with a friend. Adam wasn't one to bring up touchy subject, so maybe I wouldn't be hearing about how suicidal I am.**

"**So." he began. "How ya doing?"**

"**Adam," I sighed. "Stop it. I'm fine! I'm totally fine! Would everyone just lay off?"**

"**Dude, I didn't mean it like that. I meant, **_**what's up? What's good? What's poppin?**_** Not, **_**hey have you taken a blade to your wrist lately**_**?"**

**I glared. "Nothing's 'up', nothing's 'good' and nothing's 'poppin'. And for the record, no I haven't taken a blade to my wrist. I'm not a **_**cutter**_**. I'm a **_**once-a-cut**_**. I only did it once and I'm never doing it again,"**

"**I know. I don't expect you to,"**

"**I'm not even allowed to be alone anymore," I sighed and put my head in my hands. "I have to be around people at all time. They think I'm crazy,"**

"**Who is **_**they**_**?"**

"**Clare. My mom. My dad. My teachers. The students. The counselors I see. Even you. **_**Everyone**_**,"**

"**Since when do you care what people think?" he asked.**

"**I don't. I don't care what the students or teachers or the counselors. I care what my parents think and what Clare thinks. Most importantly, I just don't want people looking at me, waiting for me to snap and jump off a bridge. I hate being known as the 'suicide attempter' to you and Clare and my family. You all walk on egg shells around. I'm not even allowed to sleep in my own room because they think I'll try to kill myself once I shut the door!"**

**Adam put his hand on my shoulder for a minute. "It sucks, man, I know. When my mom found out about my burning, I was on house arrest and Drew had to baby sit me during school. It was hell. But eventually, people understood that I wasn't going to do it again unless I was Gracie,"**

"**Well, what am I suppost to say? I wont hurt myself unless I think of Julia. **_**That **_**will go over well. I think about Julia all the time and everyone knows that,"**

**He sighed. "Give them time." he looked at my clothes for the first time. "Let me guess, you were at her grave?"**

"**Just reminiscing," I answered with a shrug.**

"**Is that good for you? I mean, sit there and think about all the times you've shared with her. You are trying to convince people you aren't gonna hurt yourself,"**

"**Thinking of Julia doesn't make me hurt myself! Having people tell me I shouldn't think about her does!" I shouted, standing up and walking out of The Dot. I struggled with the door lock on Morty and Adam found me.**

"**Technically, Eli, you're not suppost to be alone. I'd feel bad if you were alone,"**

"**I wanna be alone,"**

"**Is that safe? You're in a bad place right now. Maybe you shouldn't be alone,"**

**I felt some warm water on my cheek and I brushed the tear away. "Then I'll go back to the cemetery,"**

"**You're still alone,"**

"**No I'm not!" I argued. "When I'm there, she's with me. She wouldn't let me do that,"**

"**Or would she cause it?"**

**I looked up and glared at him. Murderously glared. One more word and he'd be dead.**

"**Eli," she said softer. "You were trying to kill yourself because you thought you could see her. Is being all alone with her grave such a good idea?"**

"**Yes it is. Adam, I'm fine. And I wouldn't kill myself on her grave anyway. Although, it's a good metaphor,"**

**He gave me a look. **

"**Kidding, Adam. But c'mon, you know I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't hurt Clare like that,"**

"**But you tried to once,"**

"**I wasn't thinking! I'm thinking now. I know what I wanna do and I just wanna sit on Julia's grave and talk about all the times that made us…us,"**

"**And that wouldn't hurt Clare?"**

"**Adam, will ya quit throwing everything I say back at me? Let me do what I want,"**

**I opened the door and got in the car, driving away and leaving him in the rain.**

**Author's note: this is kinda a filler and a run-on. Just because it all just came to me word by word. I don't now. I think this chapter sucked. The only part I liked was when Eli was at the grave. Same as I said in chapter 1, if you wanna know why her last name is the same as Spinner's just shoot me a PM. **

**Reviews? I understand if you don't, but please? Make me smile? (also, I need suggestions more than air right now so*hint hint*)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: inspiration hit when I was bored in English class so here goes nothing…**

_The hardest part of moving forward is all the time we stand alone._

It was still pouring when I got back to the cemetery. I sat in front of her grave and pursed my lips.

"Jules, they don't get it!"

I coughed into my sleeve. Maybe I was getting sick from spending time in the rain. I didn't care.

"They don't get that I'm not gonna try to kill myself. I didn't even try last week. I was thinking last week. Now I'm thinking so I wished they'd just leave me alone,"

My phone buzzed and I opened it. It was a text from my mom. Great.

_Elijah Goldsworthy. I called Clare's house and you weren't there. You haven't been there at all. Where are you, Eli? You need to come home. Clare's over here and we're all worried about you._

I sighed. I probably should tell them. Let them know I wasn't dead.

As I was typing my reply, it hit me. Why should I? If I told them where I was, they wouldn't let me have my time alone with Julia.

I shut my phone and put it into my drenched pocket.

"If they really care, they'll come looking. They wouldn't think to look here. Hopefully," I tacked on the end. Clare didn't know me well enough to know this is where I would go and I don't know if my parents would think of it.

My phone buzzed again. Goddamn, don't even wait five minutes why don't ya?

_Eli, where are you? I'm worried. Please call me and let me know you're okay. I love you. -Clare._

Clare deserved a reply, at least. I didn't have to say where, but at least they would know I wasn't dead.

_I love you, too, and I'm sorry. But I just want to be alone right now. Please._

I stared at my phone, waiting for the reply.

_But it's not safe for you to be alone. Where are you?_

_I'm in a good place. Just let me be. I'll be home soon, I promise. Tell my parents I'm okay. I love you._

I closed my phone and swore I wouldn't open it again until I was ready to leave.

It buzzed and it buzzed and it got colder and colder, but I still sat against Julia's headstone, talking about everything I loved about her and all the memories that I would never forget.

"Jules, do you remember that first night you stayed at my house? I do. I can never forget it. It was so…magical. You were so perfect. You _are_ so perfect. Every kiss, every touch. It just sent me over the edge. God, I miss you so much. I'll never have that with Clare. I may have a future with her and I may love her, but what we had…Nothing can compare,"

The wind blew hard, making the rain drops hit my face painfully. I brushed my bangs out of my eyes. It was getting dark, but I didn't care.

My phone constantly buzzed in my pocket, but I still didn't care. This was my time with Julia and nobody was taking it away from me.

"Remember when I taught you how to drive in Morty? You sucked so bad. It was funny. Even though, you didn't get your license, it was still funny. You're the only one that I will ever let drive Morty. After all, you got him for me. I'll never be able to thank you or your uncle enough for giving me a hearse for my sixteenth birthday. I miss that. Just the random gifts we would give each other,"

I laughed, like I was actually having a conversation with someone and continued. "Remember that time we made love in Morty?" I smiled, thinking of it. "It was your idea and then you blame me afterwards. What was I suppost to do when you threw yourself at me? No one in their right mind would say no,"

"Eli!" I heard someone yelled.

My eyes widened and I stared at the headstone. "Julia?" I asked out loud. My voice came out in no more than a whisper.

Was Julia really talking to me. Oh no. Not here, not another episode. Pleas no.

"Eli, where are you?"

I stood up, looking around the dark cemetery. "I'm here!" I called. "Julia, I'm here! At your grave!"

I heard footsteps and looked around fast. What was going on? My mind was spinning, the rain was pouring down like a bucket, my heart was beating fast and my phone was _still_ going off. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and the rain began to melt until I was underwater.

It was still dark in the graveyard and I looked around, wondering what was going on. I felt my knees sink to the ground and my breathing slow. What in the hell?

"Eli, we're coming!"

We? Who was with Julia? What was happening. I leaned against her headstone, looking around to see if the blackness moved. I felt sleepy. So tired. I let my eyes drift close. The cold rain was numbing me. I smiled a little and curled up close to her headstone.

Soon after that, something warm, but still wet, was around me.

"Eli," someone said in my face, their warm breath heated my face.

When I opened my eyes, I was staring right into blue oceans. "Clare?"

"You're okay," she sighed.

"What's going on?"

"You fell asleep here. C'mon, let's get you to your car and take you home,"

Home? Where I was constantly watched? Why would I wanna go back there? "No," I said and clutched Julia's tombstone.

"Eli, we have to go. You're gonna get sick,"

"I don't wanna go," I cried.

Clare wrapped her arms around me and the blanket she put around me and pulled me close. "Eli, it's okay. You can come back tomorrow,"

"No. Clare, I cant. Please let me stay?"

"It's almost midnight,"

"I don't care. I need more time with Julia. I cant leave yet,"

"Eli, please," she whispered.

I clutched her closer to me and began to sob. "Clare, I feel so alone. So empty and scared. _All the time_. I miss her, Blue Eyes. I miss her so much. I love you and I never want you to leave me, but oh god, I miss her,"

She patted my back. "I know, I know. And that's okay. You can miss her. She meant a lot to you,"

"I just want her back!" I wailed.

"She cant come back,"

My eyes drifted shut again and my cries fell silent. She helped me lift myself up and we walked to the car.

My mother caught me in a vice grip, holding me too tight against her. "Elijah, baby, I was so worried. I told you, you cannot be alone. What if something would have happened?"

"No one would have hurt me,"

"That's not what I meant,"

"Mom, I'm not a physco. I'm not gonna kill myself!"

"Baby boy, how can we be sure?"

"Because I'm your son! You should trust me,"

"Trust you?" she shot back. "You told me you were at Clare's house when you were here. If it weren't for Adam you would have frozen to death tonight,"

"I would have come home,"

She held me tighter. "I need you, Eli. You cant just disappear like that,"

"Sorry," I grumbled.

She didn't get it. Neither did Clare. I need to be alone to deal. And I'm not gonna kill myself. If I really wanted to kill myself, I would have done it the second Julia's brother called me to tell me she died. Not two years later.

"C'mon, let's get you home,"

When I got home that night, the first thing I did was take a hot shower. My parents looked at me like I had tried to die again, when really I just stayed out later than I thought it was and fell asleep in the rain. No doubt I would be sick, but it's not like I jumped off a bridge. I wished they would stop watching me like I was gonna snap.

I laid down on the couch, while my dad sat in his recliner and watched me like a hawk.

"Dad, do you really expect me to get to sleep with your eagle eyes on me?"

"You can try,"

"At least, look somewhere else. I mean, I'm not just gonna whip out a blade and start cutting with you two feet away,"

He grumbled and turned his attention towards the TV. I closed my eyes and tried to get to sleep.

"You know, Eli, it will get better,"

I sighed. "Yeah. You and mom have told me that for two years and it's only gotten worse,"

"Clare seems to help. You cant see the difference, but we can,"

"I know she does. She makes me feel better. But I still miss her,"

"You always will. She'll always be a part of you. But you are happier now,"

"I guess." I shrugged and turned around, to face the back of the couch.

"Eli, I know you weren't trying to kill yourself. I know what it's like to be caught up in the moment and not be thinking,"

"I bet you do," I said, sarcastically.

"How do you think you were born?"

"Ugh!" I groaned. "Can I sleep here? Seriously? And _not_ dream about you and mom creating me?"

He laughed and I heard him move from the recliner. I turned my head and looked up to see him standing. "It'll get better. I promise,"

My dad walked up the stairs and I heard him shut the bedroom door. I smiled. At least my dad trusted me. With the TV off, and no one's eyes on me, I feel asleep very quickly.

**Author's note: I kinda like this one. don't worry, in the next chapter we're going back to cleaning the room. I just needed a few fillers. Thanks for you support now go make my day…**


	7. Chapter 7

_Author's note: so I have an idea for the ending now, which is good. Now that I know how I want the book to end, I can decide how its gonna get there. _

_**A generation's always waiting, a revolution's passed it's time.**_

"**Eli?" Clare asked, pulling me out of the trance I was in as I held the Valentine's Day card in my hand. **

"**Yeah?" I asked.**

"**Do you think you can throw it away?" **

**I was about to say no, but I looked into her eyes and saw a tint of pain. I pursed my lips. "Yeah, actually, I think I can,"**

"**You sure?" she asked.**

**I nodded and read the words over one more time. **_**Be Mine? Be Mine Forever? Kay, Good (; I Love You, Eli. -Julia.**_

**I smirked. It was so like her. Looking back into Clare's eyes, I place the card in the trash bag and sat down next to it, taking in a deep breath.**

"**Good job, Eli, you're getting so better," **

**I took her hand in mine when she sat next to me. "Thanks. It's not so hard anymore. I think I've finally realized that I **_**can**_** remember her without all this stuff,"**

"**That's good,"**

**I nodded and leaned in to kiss her. "Do I get a reward for being good?"**

**She leaned back, making me hover over her. We weren't exactly laying on my bed, but we weren't sitting on it, either. "I thought that was only when you were naughty?"**

"**I cant be naughty all the time…unless you want me to,"**

**She winked. "No, not **_**all**_** the time," **

**When Clare leaned into my lips, I felt the fire spread throughout my body. Her fingers pulled gently on my hair and I moaned in her mouth. She pulled away, blushing. "Sorry,"**

"**It's fine. I cant help it, I like hair pulling," **

**She giggled and stood up. "C'mon, we only have a little bit left,"**

**I looked around the room, realizing she was right. In the past month since my 'incidents' we have made a lot of progress in the room cleaning. It was all just kind of piled in the corner of my room. All the rest was clean.**

**I stood up and pulled her against me. "But this is more fun,"**

"**Eli, we told your parents we'd be cleaning,"**

"**We did clean. I say it's time for a break," I twitched my eyebrows(3) up and then leaned down to capture her in a kiss.**

**I was walking with her, trying to find a wall to press her up against. On the way there, she grabbed something out of the pile and pulled away. "What about this? Oh," she said when she looked at it. "Never mind, you need to keep this,"**

**I took the blue frame out of her hands and looked at it. The picture frame held a picture of me and Julia. She had a lollipop in her mouth and my arms were around her waist, head resting on her shoulders.**

"**I think I will keep it," I said, turning the frame over and unclasping the clasp. I took the picture out and went over to put it in the **_**keep**_** box. "But, I don't need it in the frame. What about one of me and you? How about…" I set the frame down and shuffled through some things in the keep box. I pulled out a picture of me and Clare at Vegas Night(4) "What about this picture?"**

**She smiled. "I like it,"**

**I put the picture in the frame and set it on my night-stand. "There. Now we kiss,"**

**I grabbed her again and went to kiss her, but she turned her head. I sighed.**

"**Eli, how are you so good at this?"**

"**Kissing? Well you see-"**

"**I mean the cleaning, Smart Ass,"**

**I smirked at her. "Like I said, I finally realize that you've all been right all along. Julia's in my heart, not this stuff. Some stuff I would like to keep, but not everything,"**

"**Its so easy for you to say goodbye now,"**

"**Clare, I have new memories to make. With you,"**

**She smiled up at me, her whole face lighting up. "But it's happening so fast,"**

"**What is?"**

"**You saying goodbye. Are you sure you don't need more time?"**

"**I'm not saying goodbye. I'm just saying…see you later. Sure, I'll think about Julia sometimes. A lot, honestly, but when you're here, you numb the pain,"**

"**Glad I could help,"**

"**Wanna know how you could really help?"**

"**How?"**

**I crushed my lips over hers, enjoying the gasp the came from it. I slid my tongue behind her lips and tasted her mouth.**

**She put her hands on my chest and pushed me back. I groaned and playfully stomped my foot.**

"**Before we get too carried away…" she turned around and grabbed another picture. This one wasn't in a frame, just a plastic rubber sealer. "Oh. Who's this?" she asked.**

**I walked over and leaned over her shoulder, looking at the picture. "Oh, that's me, Julia and her brother, Vitaliy,"**

"**Vitaliy?" Clare asked. "That's an interesting name,"**

**I shrugged. "He was technically her step-brother, but she loved him enough. He's actually the reason we met," I said, remembering that. I haven't talked to Vitaliy since the funeral. **

"**Hmm. How did you two meet? If you're okay to talk about it,"**

**I went over to my bed, pulling Clare with me. I pulled her down on my lap. "I'm fine to talk about it. It's easier now than it used to be,"**

**I sighed, going into my flashback and explaining to Clare where it all began…**

"_**Dammit!" I yelled. **_

"_**Haha, loser!" Vitaliy laughed.**_

"_**Shut up, man, I'll win eventually,"**_

"_**Eventually or never?"**_

"_**One more game?" I challenged.**_

"_**Cant. I've gotta go to my step-sister's swim meet,"**_

_**I sighed, pulling the dice into my bag while V collected his money.**_

"_**Right, your mom moved in with that guy,"**_

"_**Not only moved in. She MARRIED him, too. Now I've got a step sister. Oh joy," **_

_**I laughed. "Well then, I guess I'll see you later?"**_

"_**Hey, wait a minute. You wanna come with me? It wont be as boring with you there,"**_

"_**To a swim meet? I don't know…sports and I don't really click,"**_

"_**C'mon, Eli!" he whined. "I don't wanna be alone there with my mom and Dave. You'd be able to see hot girls swim…"**_

_**I smirked. "Okay, you got me. Bikini's?" I asked as we walked to his car.**_

"_**Sorry. One-pieces,"**_

"_**Dammit," I cursed under my breath as we got in the car.**_

_**When we arrived to the swim meet, we found his parents and sat down next to them. **_

"_**Nice of you to join us, Vitaliy. Oh and you brought Elijah. How nice," she smiled at me and I smiled back, turning to roll my eyes when she looked away. Vitaliy's mom wasn't the nicest lady around.**_

"_**OOh!" She squealed a couple minutes later. "Here comes Julia!"**_

_**I turned to look at the girl stepping up onto the diving board. She had long black hair that she was putting under her swim cap. She adjusted the goggles on her eyes and took her mound.**_

_**The gun shot was blown and she dove into the water. The way she glid in was so smooth. It was soundless, fast and it didn't make a big splash like the others. Her body was elite and she swam fast, doing a skilled flip under water and coming back to the other side, all without coming up for air.**_

_**She broke surface and smiled as the announcer said her name. "Julia Mason came in first, followed by Megan Luther, then Jaime Stevens…"**_

_**I stopped listening and focus on her body as she stepped out of the water, dripping from head to toe. It was about the hottest thing I've seen in my fifteen years.**_

"_**Dude!" Vitaliy smacked my arm. "Are you checking out my sister?"**_

"_**What? No!" I lied, my eyes averting back to her. She grabbed a towel and headed to the locker room. **_

_**At the end of the meet, I followed Vitaliy and his family over to greet her. Julia was now in tight black skinny jeans, ripped from the top of the thighs all the way down. She had on a tight black long-sleeved shirt under a tied corset top. Her black hair hung down her shoulder.**_

_**Her dad hugged her and she reluctantly hugged her step-mom back. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. **_

_**Vitaliy went over and high-fived her, then dragged her over to me. Her grey eyes were stunning and I thought I was gonna loose my balance when I stared into them.**_

"_**Jules, this is my friend, Eli. Eli, this in my new step-sister, Julia,"**_

_**She stuck her black fingernail-polished hand out and I shook it. It was so smooth.**_

"_**Hey," she smiled at me.**_

"_**Hey," I smiled right back.**_

**I put the picture down next to me and smiled. Clare had moved off my lap and was now sitting next to me. "That's sweet,"**

"**It was a good day," I nodded. "Vitaliy gave us permission to date about a month later and…we kinda just fell in love,"**

"**Do you and Vitaliy still talk?"**

"**No," I sighed, regretting it. I did loose him as a friend after that. "I don't really know if he's forgiven me for killing Julia,"**

"**Eli, you didn't kill her,"**

"**We shouldn't have fought,"**

"**You didn't know that would happen. Eli, really, stop blaming yourself. I bet you Vitaliy forgives you. You should call him and ask,"**

"**I don't know…"**

"**Don't you want your best friend back?"**

**She got up and started shuffling through my desk. We had cleaned that out and organize all my phone numbers. I stood up and grabbed her hand. "I have Adam,"**

**She pushed my hand away and went back to looking for Vitaliy's number. "You can have two best friends, Eli,"**

"**What if V doesn't forgive me?"**

"**He will. No one blames you for this but yourself, so knock it off and let me find his phone number,"**

**I sighed and pulled a piece of paper from underneath the spiral notebook we kept numbers in. "Here,"**

"**Well…call him," she pushed. **

"**I don't know,"**

**She grabbed her cell phone and punched in the number. "Hello? Is this Vitaliy Mason?"**

**I smirked, knowing he would correct her and say **_**Vitaliy Wieser**_**. She nodded. "Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, Vitaliy? I'm Clare Edwards, a…friend of Eli Goldsworthy and he would like to speak to you,"**

**I looked at her confused. Why did she say she was just a friend. As she handed me the phone I lifted one eyebrow. "He doesn't need to know you moved on," she whispered and shoved the phone at me.**

"**Hey, Vitaliy," I said, clearing my throat.**

**I heard a deep voice on the other end laugh. "Eli Goldsworthy? Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it?"**

"**Yeah…it has,"**

**Author's note: (: I have a friend named Vitaliy so that's dedicated to him. We aren't close, but I just love that name. Also, I decided to add a friend in here for a teeny bit more drama. I hope that okay(:**

**(3) you know the eyebrow twitch he did in "All Falls Down" part one? When he was gonna kiss Clare but stupid Fitz interrupted? Yeah, I didn't know if that was the right wording but that's what it is. Lol. XD**

**(4) in this book, Vegas Night went smoothly for Eclare. There were now psychotic bullies trying to stab my Eli. Eli and Clare just danced and had a great time. So there :P**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's note: ): I'm home sick from school. So all day I've been on Tumbr or Facebook, but now I've decided to update this. I hope you guys like the character Vitaliy. I tried to make me a lot like my friend, but as I said, me and Vitaliy aren't close. Thanks for the reviews. I love them all (:**

_Another reason to take stock of all the things you have left behind_

I sat in front of The Dot, holding a coffee in my cold hands trying to warm them. It was cloudy out, but not yet raining. I checked my phone. 3:40. Just like V to be late. I smirked, thinking about it. Vitaliy was my best friend way back when, but after the funeral…seeing him cry, hearing his pain. I knew he would never forgive me for killing his sister.

So I was more than surprised when he asked to meet me at The Dot. Especially, since he moved away and it was a pretty long drive to The Dot.

A blue Jeep Rangler pulled next to the side walk and a tall, dirty-blonde man stood up. He looked up at the sign that said "The Dot" and smiled.

When he gaze dropped to me, sitting on the bench below the sign, he closed his door and walked forward to greet me.

I pulled my hand away from my coffee and shook his. "Vitaliy, it's good to see you,"

"You, too, man. C'mon, let's get inside before it starts to rain,"

I followed him into The Dot and we took a seat by the window. I saw him admire Morty blocking the alley way that led to Above The Dot.

"You still drive that thing?" he asked.

"I couldn't let that beauty go," I smiled.

"True. True. It is a nice hearse. Never been used either when Julia bought it for you,"

I nodded. "Yeah,"

"Is it still hard for you to talk about her?"

"A little," I admitted.

"Yeah, me too,"

I looked away awkwardly, not sure what to say next.

Vitaliy cleared his throat. "So…not to sound like a girl or anything, but why didn't you call after the funeral. I haven't seen you since. Not even to say goodbye when you moved here,"

I looked down at the coffee between my hands, refusing to meet his gaze. "I killed your sister, V. How do you expect me show my face around you or your family? You don't have to forgive me,"

"Forgive you for what?" he asked, laughing. "Eli, look at me,"

I shifted my gaze up to meet his.

"You did not kill Julia. A car did. A drunk driver did. _Not_ you,"

"But we fought before that. I told her to leave. To stay away from me. That I didn't want her. Then as she was leaving - got hit by a car," I couldn't help but let a few tears escape the corners of my eyes. Thinking about the fight that caused Julia's death was a bad thing for me to remember. I wiped the tears away that had fallen.

"Eli," he chuckled once. "So you guys fought. You act like it was the fist time. And you act like it was the first time you told each other to get away. That you never wanted to see each other again. You guys fought all the time,"

"But this one caused her death!" I hissed.

"No, it didn't. Look, Eli, I know you don't believe or whatever, but God decided her time was over and he took her. No one else could have stopped that. God wanted her gone that night, so she was. It doesn't matter what was done, because she would have died that night anyway,"

I bit my lip and looked away. That's bullshit. I caused her death, not some imaginary being.

"I'm so sorry, man," I whispered, looking back at him.

"Eli, no one blames you but yourself,"

I nodded. "Okay. Alright. Well, thanks for coming to see me. I guess I have missed you as a friend,"

"Yeah, me too. But now you have to tell me about your new school. What's it called. Degrassi? How's that? Cute girls? Cool guys?"

I smirked and looked down at my coffee again.

"There's that face!" he laughed. "Okay, who is she? Blonde? Brunette? Tall? Color eyes? Braces?"

"What makes you think there's a girl?"

"Because I know you well enough to see that look of you in love. So unless, you're gay…I'm guessing it's a girl,"

I laughed. "Her name is Clare. She has auburn-ish hair, curvy in the sexy way, bright blue eyes, and a laugh that makes me feel like I'm floating,"

He laughed. "Oh my god,"

"What? You think it's too soon that I moved on?"

"No. I'm just laughing because you're in love. I'm happy for you. My sister shouldn't hold you back,"

"Clare helps me with that. Cleaning out my room," I said, forgetting he didn't know.

"She helps you clean your room?"

"Right, you don't know. Um, I kinda have a problem with throwing things away. I guess you could call it hoarding," I laughed, sheepishly.

"Hoarding? And you do this, why?"

"All those things in my room…they remind me of Julia,"

"Eli,"

"I'm getting better, though. That's what Clare tells me. I can throw things away now without a scene,"

He laughed. "That's good,"

"That's actually how Clare found out about you. She found a picture of me, you and Julia and demanded that I call you and rebuild our friendship,"

"I'd like that. I know I don't live that close anymore, but we can still be friends. How about this weekend, we have a guys night. I'll invite this guy from Wasaga and you can bring one of your friends. You do have friends, right?"

I glared, jokingly. "Yes. I'll bring it. Meet here at six?"

"Sure. Call you later,"

"Bye, man,"

We fist-bumped and he got up and left. I smirked to myself. My past and my present were colliding and for once it wasn't turning out badly. Adam and I would go to the movies with Vitaliy and his friend and maybe even build some new friendships. And now, because I was rebuilding a friendship with V, I could let go of Julia further. Vitaliy was kind of like my branch to her. I felt ten times better,"

I threw my coffee away and got in Morty, pulling out my cell phone. I sent Adam a text about Friday and he said sure.

I drove back home, actually feeling happy for once.

**Author's note: yay! A happy ending to a chapter for once. There will be a little more drama in the next chapter. Not necessarily about Julia, but with Vitaliy, Vitaliy's friend and Adam. :O No reviews=no updates, so…**


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: ThatIsCanada your review made me smile. I like detailed reviews like yours. So anyway Vitaliy's friend is from Wasaga Beach, right? Well I was gonna make this friend Sean Cameron because I miss him, but I'm not gonna do that. Sorry. Lol. Anyway, I should be studying for my history exam tomorrow but I'm not :P so here's another chapter…

_**Feelings that will never leave you, Never make you change your mind.**_

**It was pouring rain out as I waited for Adam outside of his house. He walked out, adjusting his beanie and got in Morty. **

"**So, who is this guy we're going to see a movie with?" he asked as I pulled away from the curb.**

"**My old friend, Vitaliy. We're trying to rekindled our friendship,"**

"**Aw, isn't that sweet," he teased.**

"**Shut up," I smirked. "He's bringing one of his friend's so I had to bring you,"**

"**It's cool. What movie are we seeing?"**

"**I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess we'll decide when we get there,"**

**We pulled into the parking lot for the theater and got out, running for shelter under the opening. **

"**So where is this guy?"**

"**V is always late. It's something you get used to. And he had to pick up his friend from Wasaga Beach,"**

"**Wasaga? I used to live down there before I came up here to Degrassi,"**

"**Really? Then you might know this guy," **

**He shrugged. "Maybe,"**

**I saw Vitaliy and a tall, tan guy running towards the alcove. The guy's hair was drenched black and he shook it once he found shelter.**

"**Eli, this is my friend, Mike,"**

"**Hey. Vitaliy, Mike, this is my friend, Adam,"**

"**Adam Torres?" Mike asked. "It's been a while hasn't it, **_**Grace**_**?"**

**Grace? What the hell? I turned to look at Adam, who was blushing and looking down, glaring at the wet cement. **

"**You know him?" I asked.**

"**Gracie, here, went to my school last year and tried to get with my sister. She aint no lesbian, so-"**

"**Adam is guy, thank you," I defended.**

"**Is that what he told you?"**

"**More a man than you are,"**

**Mike walked up and towered over me. "**_**Excuse me**_**, Emo Boy?" **

**Vitaliy put his hands on both of our chests and pushed us apart. "Alright, guys, we're here for a no-drama night. Let's all calm down, shall we?"**

"**He's making fun of my friend," I stated.**

"**I'm **_**sorry**_**. I'll leave Grace alone for the rest of the night,"**

"**His name is **_**Adam**_**," I said through clenched teeth.**

"**Whatever," he whispered.**

**Vitaliy and I shared a glance of regret. This night wasn't going as planned. Mike grabbed the door to the theater and did an arm swoop. I walked through behind Vitaliy. Mike said, "Ladies first," to Adam and Adam sighed, walking through the door.**

**We bought our tickets and walked to the theater, trying to find four seats. I sat next to Adam and V, while Mike sat on the other side. **

**Adam was seated next to a girl, and she turned to smile at him. Adam blushed and smiled back, sinking low in his chair.**

"**Psst," Mike whispered past us. The girl looked up. "I hope you know that's a girl next to you. Don't fall for it,"**

**I stood up. "Man, what the hell is your problem?"**

"**Gracie is," he stood up to and face me. **

"**His. Name. Is. Adam."**

"**Has he really not told you? Hey, man, I didn't know. But your boy 'Adam' over there is a girl,"**

"**You don't even know him," I glared.**

**Vitaliy stood up between us and tried to make us separate.**

"**I know him a lot more than you think, Emo Boy, I did go to school with him for two years,"**

"**And made my life hell!" Adam shouted, standing up behind me.**

"**Alright, guys, chill out," Vitaliy said.**

"**Yeah, **_**Eli**_**, tame your girlfriend,"**

**I went to punch him, but V pushed me back and I knocked into Adam. Adam fell on the girl he was sitting next to.**

"**Ahh!" she screamed. "Get off me, **_**freak**_**!" **

**Adam shuffled off of her with a muffled 'sorry' and she got up, walking the opposite way out of the theater.**

"**Sorry, man," I whispered to Adam.**

"**She really is a good liar. Dude. Your friend is a girl. She has girl parts," Mike yelled.**

"**So? He's still more man than you'll ever be,"**

"**Get some new come backs,"**

"**How's this?" I launched for him again, but Vitaliy held me back. "Eli, chill out!"**

**Security came and kicked us out of the theater. As we walked through the rain to our cars, Mike still kept up with the jokes.**

"**Dude, seriously? Lay off!" I yelled.**

"**Or what?"**

"**Do you really wanna find out?"**

"**Eli, you need to calm down," V cautioned.**

"**Yeah," Mike laughed. "Quit getting so defensive over your girlfriend. She's ugly anyway,"**

**That did it. I walked forward and popped him in the mouth. He punched me back before V had his arms around mine, pulling me away. "Elijah! Chill!"**

**I growled under my breath. I hated it when people called me Elijah. It was only okay when Clare or Julia did that.**

**I pushed Vitaliy away from me. "Your friend's a dick,"**

"**And your friend's a girl," he said, calmly.**

**I smiled, bleakly, noticing the sting in my lip. It was probably bleeding. "Nice. Whatever, Vitaliy, I guess you have changed. Don't bother with me anymore. I'm sorry I even called you,"**

**I climbed into Morty and Adam followed.**

"**Dude, I'm sorry about that," he said.**

"**No, I'm sorry. I invited you, but that Mike guy was an ass,"**

"**He always has been," he muttered.**

"**So I punched him,"**

"**Yeah. Thanks,"**

"**No problem," I looked in the rear-view mirror before pulling out and noticed my bottom lip split down(5) I laughed under my breath and drove away.**

**I got home that night and sent Clare a text. **_**Do you wanna come over? I had a bad night and I could use a cuddle-buddy right now. Tell your parents you're sleeping over at Alli's? Please?**_

**I changed into pajama pants and a gray t-shirt and grabbed my phone. **_**Come and get me? **_

**I smiled. **_**But wouldn't your parents notice your boyfriend's car out front if you're leaving to go to Alli's?**_

_**Park down the street. I'll run.**_

**I laughed and grabbed my keys. My parents weren't home so I wouldn't need to explain anything to them - not that they'd care, but still. I drove and parked a block away from Clare's house.**

**A few minutes of waiting, I saw her running down the street, carrying a giant green bag(6).**

**She got in Morty and shook her hair out, rain drops flying everywhere.**

"**Hey, watch it!"**

**She laughed. "Sorry…Eli, what happened to your lip?"**

"**Told you I had a bad night?"**

"**You got into a fight with Vitaliy?"**

"**No…Vitaliy's friend was hating on Adam. I defended him,"**

"**And he punched you in the face?" she scooted closer to me and touched my lip. **

"**After I punched him first. Whatever, it's just a split lip,"**

"**Does it hurt?"**

**I turned to look at her full-on, smirking. "You wanna make it better?"**

**She smiled and leaned in, kissing me gently on the lips. I slid my arms around her waist and pulled her against me, deepening the kiss.**

**I opened my mouth and bit down on her bottom lips, demanding entrance. She whimpered and granted it to me. I slid my tongue into her mouth and felt her hands go limp on my back. **

**I smirked and pulled away, leaving her breathless. "My lips feel better, thanks," I winked and pulled away.**

**Driving there, I took her hand. "Promise me something, Clare?"**

"**Yes?"**

"**Tonight, no room cleaning. I'll stay in the guest room, or you can, or we both can," I suggestive, suggestively(7) "But we don't talk about my room tonight. Please?" **

"**Okay, and Eli?**

"**Hmm?" I asked, pulling into my driveway.**

**I felt her breath in my ear and I froze. "I'd like it if you stayed in the guest room with me," she bit down on my earlobe and I moaned. "Okay," I whispered.**

**Author's note: a couple things. First off the character Mike is kinda based on my ex, Mike who is Vitaliy's cousin, but I tried to make him sound like Owen. Did I fail? Oops.**

**Next, in your review, let me know if you want the next chapter to be the night that they spend together or the next day at school. Your choice and I'm not posting the chapter till you guys let me know. **

**(5) like it was in "Try Honesty" part two. Can you say hot damn (;**

**(6) the green bag Darcy had forever that was huge? Yeah, that one.**

**(7) I know it sounds dumb but I couldn't think of any other words to use. Lol. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's note: *sigh* I really do have no life. :/ I only got like three reviews and I'm updating instead of making you wait. Oh well :/ **

**Oh, and I'd just like to say: I know Mike in this story is a jackass, but just in case you were wondering, my ex, Mike isn't a jerk lol. We're actually becoming friends again. So anyway, here's the chapter.**

_For all these times, And it starts today_

Clare came out of the bathroom, dressed in blue and white polka dot pajama pants and a light blue tank top. I smirked at her as she walked over to the bed.

"Oh. Right," I said, eyeing the bed.

"What?"

"I forgot this was only a twin bed. There's no way we're both gonna fit on it. I'll sleep in my room,"

"Eli," she took my hand and pulled me onto the bed with her. "We can both fit, we just have to be close to each other,"

We squeezed onto the bed, pressed up against each other. I sighed. "Or how about this?" I turned to I was on my back and pulled her so her head was resting on my shoulder.

"This works," she said, running her fingers over my stomach.

"Eli, can I ask you something?" she asked after a while.

"Hmm?"

She took in a deep breath. "If you don't want to answer it you don't have to,"

Now I was curious. "What's your question?"

"I know it's hard for you to talk about, but…what was Julia like?"

The question threw me off guard and I let out a breath. "Um,"

"If you cant answer it, that's okay,"

"No, I can answer, I'm just thinking of how to word it. What exactly do you mean?"

She shifted around in the bed. "I don't know, just some little quirks that made her…_her_. What made you love her?"

I took in a deep breath. "Well," I pulled Clare tighter against me and talked into her hair. "Julia hated it when I pushed her hair out of her eyes. She always kept her bangs in her face because she didn't like her eye color so if I moved them out of the way, she'd get made. She loved the rain. I told you how we met and her swim meet so obviously she loved to swim, but she just liked being in water. So she would go out whenever it was raining and dance around or run around. She loved kids. When her step-mom had her baby sister she couldn't be torn from her. Some people even thought it was Julia's kid," I laughed, thinking of the time when someone asked her if it was her baby. "She always liked to pull my hair. Just for kicks. She's just walk by and pull it in the hallways or sit behind me and pull it when she got bored in class. I don't know why she did it, but she did." I took in another deep breath. As the memories got more detailed it became a bit harder. "I really loved how she didn't care what people thought. She was loud and opinionated. Some people would call it obnoxious, but she really just told you what she was thinking no matter what and didn't hold back. It got her in trouble sometimes just like my sarcasm does me. She rebelled against the school system a lot. Arguing with teachers because she had an opinion on everything. She was very outgoing, not really afraid of anything. Roller coasters were her next favorite things in the world besides swimming. She hated ferris wheels for some reason. No matter how much I tried to get her on one, she always refused. We fought constanty. We had that type of relationship. Some of the fights would be joking and others would be serious. But we always made up," I shrugged. "I don't know. She was complicated, but she was herself no matter what,"

Clare sat up and looked at me. "She sounds…cool,"

"Clare, I know you would have hated her,"

She smiled and blushed. "I didn't say that. I just…couldn't see myself being friends with you,"

"I cant either. But she wasn't a bitch like I'm making her out to be. She cared about the environment. One reason she would never drive anywhere and always rode her bike. She was loyal and you could trust her with your darkest secrets. She seems rude at first but she's a really softy if you get to know her," I smiled.

Clare took my hands. "I'm glad that didn't make you sad,"

I shook my hand. "I guess it's easy to talk about her if I want to and I'm remembering good memories,"

Clare leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. When I pulled back, I laughed.

"So Clare,"

"Yes, Eli?"

"On the way home from the movies today, Adam told me a little something about you,"

"What would that be?"

"Well actually he heard it from Fiona Coyne. His girlfriend."

"And what did Fiona have to say about me?"

I laughed. "Do you really wanna know. It involved her brother…Declan?"

Her face closed and she blushed, looking down. "Oh, um, yeah,"

I cupped her face in my hands and brought her close me, whispering in her ear. "She told Adam you wrote vampire fiction about Declan,"

Clare swallowed and nodded.

"So…" I whispered huskily in her ear. "Does this mean you have a biting fetish?"

"I-I don't know. It's n-never happened,"

"I can fix that," I whispered. I kissed her cartilage piercing that matched my own and then kissed behind her ear. I trailed my kisses down her neck until I reached the spot above her collarbone.

"So, vampire expert, is this where a vampire would bite,"

I could hear Clare's breath intake and she nodded.

I smirked into her skin and opened my mouth. I let my tongue peek out and tasted her skin. It was so amazing. Without warning, I closed my teeth on her neck.

Clare let out the sexiest moan I've ever heard and my stomach muscles contracted hearing it.

I released her neck and pulled back to look at her blushing face. She was biting her lip. I leaned in and kissed her mouth. "You don't have to worry. My parents aren't home. Be as loud as you want. One condition, though," I whispered against her lips.

"What?"

"You're only allowed to moan my name,"

I pulled back and used my hand to gently push her so she was lying on her back. I hovered over her and pressed my teeth against her neck.

"Eli," she whispered.

"That's so fucking hot, Clare,"

She put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me off. "We've got to stop,"

"Why?"

"Before we take it to far,"

I sighed, feeling the tightness in my pajama pants. "You're right,"

"Sorry," she blushed looking down. "I didn't realize you had a problem…"

I laughed. "It's okay,"

"Want me to take care of it?" she asked, looking up to meet my eyes.

My eyes became saucers. "W-what?"

"I could take care of your problem for you," she whispered moving close to me.

I swallowed. "Feel bold, are we, Edwards?" I managed to choke out some sarcasm before she pushed me on my back.

My breath sped up and she worked me out of my pants. When she wrapped her hand around me, I let my eyes close in pleasure.

"Oh my god," I moaned as she started to go faster. Nothing could ever feel this good.

I clenched the bed sheets between my hands as I reached my point. "Fuck Clare!" I yelled when I came.

She laughed and laid next to me, her head on my chest against. "Feeling better?"

"So much," I whispered, putting myself back in my pants. "Was that your first…you know?"

"Yes," she nodded.

"I don't believe that," I muttered, opening my eyes to the ceiling.

She brushed my now sweaty bangs out of my face and kissed my cheek. "It was my first and I'm glad it could be you,"

"Me, too. I hope I'm your first everything." I blurted without thinking. "Clare, I didn't mean it like that,"

"Yes you do. But that's okay. I want you to be my first, too,"

I smiled and wound my arms around her. "Tomorrow do you wanna finish my room after school?"

"Sure,"

"I just have one more thing to ask, Clare,"

"Yes?"

I sighed. "Next month is Julia's birthday. Do you think you could just leave me alone that day. It's nothing personal, I just-"

"I get it, Eli, and that's okay. Just let me know when it is and I'll give you your space,"

"Thank you," I kissed the top of her head.

She snuggled into my chest. "You're welcome,"

Clare yawned and her breathing became slower. I closed my eyes, thinking about how I was holding the girl I loved in my arms and how amazing it felt.

I fell asleep quickly and peacefully.

**Author's note: epic fail? I think so. :/ **

**Oh and another thing I wanted to say. You know how this book is kinda based off of "for all these times, son, for all these times" by Lost Prophets and I just choose a lyric to put in the beginning? Well what's cool about it is that I just choose the first lyric I see and put it and write the chapter. I don't plan these chapters out just let them go as it comes to me, but by the end when I re-read it the lyrics actually make sense with the chapter some how. I find that weird but cool. So question: do you think the lyrics are going good with the chapter?**

**Let me know…**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note: *another sigh* I really didn't want to update again tonight. Not because I don't love you guys but because I'm not sure where this is going yet. But I needed to let you guys know this:**

**There are three chapters left. This chapter about cleaning his room and finishing it. The next chapter about Julia's birthday and then my surprise ending. As you know, this book is kinda all over the place time wise so this isn't the next after the last chapter. This is about a week later. The Julia's birthday is like a month later and the last chapter is two months after that.**

**One reason for the book ending…I'm running out of lyrics. Lol. The song isn't that long. If you haven't listened to it yet you really should. I'm in love it that song. K, long author's note. My bad. I'll shut up now. Here's the chapter.**

_Can you see the road you're walking? Are these signs too hard to recognize?_

"You're doing great, Eli," Clare whispered as I stood over the trash bag, clutching Julia's favorite hoodie to my chest. I knew this hurt Clare that I even had her clothes, but they still smelled like Julia.

I needed them.

"Clare," I whispered and held my hand out.

When I felt the smooth texture of her skin, the hoodie fell from my hand. "I'm here," she whispered.

I turned to her and hugged her tightly, knocking the breath out of her. She hugged me back and I pulled away, shaking my head. "Wow. Sorry. So, uh, what next?"

"All you have left is the rest of her clothes and a black plastic rose," she smiled. "You've really progressed,"

"Thanks. So should I just pick up all of her clothes or go one-by-one?"

"What do you think will be easier?"

I sat on my bed. To be honest, it would be easier to pick up every single item and hold it close, bringing Julia's smell back to me and remembering what she looked like. But I was struck with fear. What would Clare do if she found Julia's bras in that pile? Clare knew I had been with Julia and Julia stayed with me for a bit before she…died, but it would still be awkward to hold up Julia's hot pink bra in front of my girlfriend.

So I lied to make Clare feel better. It's what boyfriend's do. "Big pile into the trash,"

"You sure?"

"Yes!" I said, a little too mean. Maybe I could sneak into the bag after Clare left and remember? No. No, Eli. Remembering Julia without Clare nearby is what cause my 'incident' a few months ago.

"Okay, okay," Clare said and brought the trash bag closer to the small pile of clothes.

I took in a deep breath and picked them all up at once and gently put them in the trash bag.

Clare sighed. "Good job, Eli. I'm truly amazed at how good you are at this. Especially compared to the beginning,"

I took her hand. "You stayed here. Just like you promised,"

She smiled and squeezed my hand. "What kind of girlfriend would I be, if I weren't?"

"You're not like other girls, Clare," I said, getting lost in her blue orbs. "I love that about you,"

She smiled bigger. "You sure aren't like other guys. But that's why I love you,"

I leaned in a kissed her on the lips. "Thank you. For accepting my baggage. For helping me. For not leaving me when things got rough. Thank you for _you_,"

She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head on my chest. "You're welcome,"

I sighed into her hair and kissed the top of her head. She pulled away and clapped her hands together. "So. One more thing and then we're done. You can do this,"

I looked at the black plastic rose and closed my eyes. "Clare, actually, can I keep this?" I asked.

When I opened my eyes, she was holding the rose in her hand and she looked at me. "Eli, this is the last thing. You're doing so good,"

I sighed. "Yeah…but…That…um, that was Julia's favorite thing," I lied, rubbing the back of my neck and biting my lip.

Clare sighed, too, and handed me the rose. "If you need to keep it,"

I took it and clutched it close to me. "Thank you,"

She kissed me on the lips and then pulled away. "I should be getting home,"

"You want a ride?" I offered, placing the rose on my bed.

"No. Fresh air will do me good. Besides I rode my bike over here,"

"I can put your bike in the back of the hearse,"

"Eli. I know it's hard for you to let a girl ride her bike away from you, but nothing's going to happen. It's 3pm. Bright. We aren't fighting. I'm happy. Focused. We're all good,"

I let my breath out. "You're right, you're right. But call me the second you get home, okay?"

"Alright," she kissed me again and walked out of my room.

I grabbed the rose and held it in one of my hands. I remembered when I got Julia this bouquet of black roses. Yes, I used that cheap line, I'll love you till the last rose dies and gave her nine real roses and one fake one. I was holding the fake one and realized how true it was. This rose wasn't dead and neither was my love for her.

I had to keep. Even if Julia wasn't here and even if throwing away the rose wouldn't mean killing it, I couldn't let it go. I could let her go. Not all the way.

Not yet.

**Author's note: so I wouldn't call that a cliff hanger but it did leave you wondering, didn't it? I hope so (; **

**Preview for the next chapter? Graves, tears, booze, blades, rain, and voices.**

**If you want it you better review. No reviews=no updates. **


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's note: well this is the second to last chapter. Your guys reviews are so sweet(: funny thing is about this chapter, is (from what I can see from your reviews) you're expecting something different. (; **

_For all these times that we walked away_

Eighteen years old. She never got to be eighteen. Eighteen is the best year. You're free. You're your own person. You're on your own. You make your own decisions. You live for yourself.

But Julia never got the chance.

Sixteen years old. Only sixteen years of life, when you should leave eighty. She lost any chance she got of future. Marriage. Children. Grandchildren. Happiness. Life.

It all got taken away from her at the wrong time. Because of me.

The last night I could ever see Julia again and I had to be horrible to her. Sure, we fought a lot. I've said these things to her and vice versa. But this time I never got to take them back. To say I'm sorry. To say I didn't mean it.

"_Go ahead! Leave at three in the morning! See if I give a fuck!" I yelled as she grabbed her clothes and shoved them in a bag._

"_Oh I know you wont! You never do! You're so selfish!"_

"_I'm selfish?" I screamed, throwing her clothes at her. "You don't do a damn thing for me! Ever!"_

"_Well now you wont have to worry, will you? I'm gone!"_

"_That's what you always say, Julia, but you're never gone! Always so clingy!"_

"_Sorry that's such a problem for you! Now you don't have to worry about it. I wont come back!"_

"_Good! I don't want you to!" I yelled louder, throwing more and more clothes at her. "Just leave! Get out of my face!"_

"_I hate you, Eli, I really do!"_

"_I don't want you here anymore! Bye!"_

_She screamed wordlessly as she zipped up her bag. She began flying down the stairs and I chased after her, throwing the clothes she forgot._

"_I hate you!" she screamed, shutting the door._

"_I hate you, too!" I yelled through the closed door. "I never want to see you again!"_

Little did I know, I would never see her again. I started choking on my sobs, my tears hitting the picture of her, protected by the frame.

All those things I said. All those things I didn't mean. They really happened.

About a half an hour later, I came to my senses and realized that it was just another fight we had. I got in Morty, driving the road she took home.

And that's how long it usually took us to get over our fights. It never lasted more than two hours because we knew how much we needed each other.

I saw it then. The crowd of people. The ambulances. I couldn't get around the blocked road, so I got out, walked on foot through the crowd, still trying to get to Julia's house.

When I saw her.

_My heart stopped beating. What's going on? What happened? I saw Julia's bloody body be loaded into an ambulance. Vitaliy right behind the paramedics, holding Julia's hand._

_I ran under the caution tape, ignoring the officer that tried to restrain me and up to the ambulance._

"_V!" I yelled. "What's going on?"_

"_Sir, you have to leave we must get her to the hospital,"_

"_V," I whispered._

"_He's fine. He can come,"_

_I climbed into the ambulance and looked at Julia's broke body, eyes closed, chest heaving up just a little before falling back down. _

"_What happened?"_

"_Drunk driver hit her. Apparently she was riding her bike and the guy hit her. She flew up over the hood and hit the windshield then flew forward onto the pavement,"_

"_Wasn't she paying attention?" I growled, taking Julia's hand. 'Make it through' I thought. 'You have to. I never got to apologize.'_

"_I guess not. She was on the phone with me, telling me she was coming home and she was sobbing. Then it just disconnected,"_

_I felt the sobs build in my throat. _

The memories were beginning to be too much. As Clare promised, she left me alone. No calls, no text messages. She didn't visit. I skipped school so I didn't have to see her. Even my parents understood. They left me alone, going to a friends house or something. I doubt they trusted me. I was a wreck on this day, but I couldn't deal with anyone.

I got up, taking the bottle of vodka with me and walked to the bathroom. I sifted through my medicine cabinet, looking for the razors. I found every single one we had in our house and put them in a plastic bag, managing not to cut myself, despite the slight buzz I had.

I got in Morty, again bringing the vodka with me and started the car. I knew it wasn't drunk enough to kill myself in an accident, but the rain made it slightly harder. I drove carefully, slowly, not wanting to kill myself or pedestrians until I got to the graveyard.

I walked through the rain, carrying my vodka and razor blades to Julia's grave.

I sat down in the mud, not caring and set the vodka bottle next to me.

"Happy birthday, Jules," I said.

Of course there was no reply.

I began thinking back to what I said to Adam after my attempt at suicide. _It would be a good metaphor to kill myself on Julia's grave._

I opened the bag of razors and took one out. The cool metal seemed welcoming. Almost as if it was begging for my blood. I smiled and closed my eyes, thinking of Julia and our fight before she died.

"You know I'm sorry, right, Jules? I never met what I said that night,"

I kept my eyes closed, just feeling the rain and listening to the wind.

How crazy do you have to be to hear voices in your head? How fucked up does your mind have to be for you to talk to dead people? Whatever the limit, I just broke it.

"Eli, I forgive you,"

I eyes snapped open and I dropped the razor. It sunk into the mud and I sighed. My imagination. That's all it was.

I shook my head. Imagination or not, I came here for a reason and I had to do it.

I took one more sip of vodka and dumped all the razors out into the mud. They all sunk at once, and I could no longer see them.

"Sorry, Jules, I know you hate razors, but these are what could bring me to you and I…I cant do that. Not now. I'm in a good place minus today. I cant hurt the people I love. I'm sorry,"

After standing up and grabbing my empty vodka bottle, I leaned forward and let my forehead touch her tombstone. The tears spilled from my eyes, warming my cheeks. "I love you, Julia Mason. I love you so much and I'll miss you till the day I'm with you. Happy birthday."

I touched the 'J' and then walked back to Morty. I sat there, gripping my hair and sobbing.

The last thought I had before falling asleep in the front seat of Morty was:

_Happy birthday, Julia. I love and miss you. You should be here. I'm sorry._

**Author's note: so what did you guys think? Were you expecting that when I said blades? Lol, most of you probably didn't. what's funny? Throughout the whole grave scene, I was listening to "keep holding on" by avril lavigne and it just felt right. Anyway I had a few tears in my eyes writing this chapter. Review if you want the last one.**

**Preview for the next chapter? Goodbyes, I love yous, roses, pictures, sunshine, smiles, and a new view.**

**Go make my day…**


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's note: sorry I didn't update like I promised but I had a pretty busy day yesterday. And who saw the new Degrassi promo? Clare needs space? From Eli? Dumb girl… I'm worried what Eli will do but it's been confirmed that he(nor Adam) will die this season, so we're good(:**

**Anyway, here's the last chapter of "for all these times" enjoy(:**

_Never gonna miss what I left behind, If I had the chance to do it again I wouldn't change it._

"Are you sure you wanna do this, Eli?" Clare asked for the billionth time as we drove through the city.

I chuckled. "Yes. Clare, I'm sure of this. I need to do this. For you," I added, softly at the end.

"You don't _need_ to do this for me," 

I slid my hand across the seat to find hers. I squeezed her fingers. "Fine, I _want_ to do this for you,"

"Are you sure?"

"Clare!" I laughed. "I know that I need to do this. Not just for you, but myself,"

She squeezed my hand back. "Will it be hard?"

I took in a deep breath, as I turned onto the familiar road. "Probably, but I know I can do this,"

She smiled at me. "I'm really proud of you, Eli. This is really brave of you. I'm glad you've progressed this much,"

"Thank you,"

We pulled into the entrance of the cemetery and I took a deep breath. I knew I needed to do this, but I wasn't sure if I could. 

Julia's headstone wasn't far from the entrance. I could see it from the car. "Clare?" I asked, letting go of her hand.

"Yeah?"

I sighed. "Do you think you could stay at the car? I need to do this alone,"

She nodded. "Of course, but I'm here if you need me,"

"Thanks. I wont be long…I just need to do this,"

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm here. I'll be here when you get back. Take your time,"

I nodded and grabbed the purple plastic rose off the dashboard. I looked over at Clare and saw that she was proud of me. And happy. And I loved her. This is what I had to do. 

I got out of the car and started down the familiar path to her grave. It almost felt as if there was a rut, I've been here so many times.

I got to her grave and sighed. For once, it wasn't raining the day I was here. It was actually sunny and warmer than usual. The breeze counteracted with the heat to make a pretty good day.

"Hey, Julia," I began. I sighed and laid the rose on her grave, feeling my eyes fill up with tears. "Just because I'm putting this rose here doesn't mean it's dead. My love for you isn't, either. I still love you Julia. I always will, but I've finally realized that you're not in a rose, or the stuff in my room. You're in my heart and my memories. I don't need to come here everyday to still love you. I don't need to hold on to you with all of my might to still love you. I can love you with my heart. I miss you. I still do. I always will. Nothing will change that, but I need to…let you go, if I can be happy,"

I touched the headstone. "I still have you in my memories. If I ever want to think about you I can. And hopefully now, thinking about you will be easier. It'll make me happy to know what we shared. I don't have to let you go completely, but enough,"

I took the biggest breath I've ever took and then took my hand off the grave. "I'll still come visit you," I promised. "On your birthday, our anniversary…your's," I whispered, cringing at the date.

"I love you, Julia. But in order for me to be safe and happy, I need to let you go. I need to keep you in my heart, not everywhere. So this is goodbye for now, but I'll be back,"

I stood from my kneeling position and closed my eyes, finally letting go.

It was different than what I expected. I felt…new. For so long now, Julia has been radiating throughout my body, my veins. Now, I could feel myself again. Feel my own blood, and my own person. Julia was in my heart now. Only my heart. Each beat of my heart was powered by her. She kept me here, but now I could be myself. I could be free.

I walked back to the car, feeling high off of my new feeling. I felt warmer instead of cold, I felt happy…truly happy for once. 

Clare was sitting on the hood of Morty in a cross legged position. She hopped off when she saw me and I took her hand.

"You okay?" she asked.

I still felt in a daze, experiencing the new feeling in my body. "Yeah. I'm…fine," 

She smiled up at me. "I'm glad," 

I leaned down and pressed my lips slowly to her, guarding myself. With my new high, I wasn't sure what would happen.

As my lips touched her, the fireworks exploded behind my eyes. And I haven't had those since Julia. It felt weird. It felt new. It felt…right.

I pulled away and smiled proudly. Clare's smiled mimicked mine. 

We walked around and got in the car. I took her hand almost immediately, loving the new feeling of her skin on mine.

The past year felt like a dream. I didn't feel, or think. My mind was clouded. But now, I could see. The world looked new. Sharper. The feeling of everything felt like I've never experienced it. I wasn't sure what to do.

And most importantly, I felt _happy_.

It finally occurred to me, then. Everyone was right. My mom. My dad. Clare. Adam. My therapist. They were all right. Julia wanted me to be happy.

And I could feel in my heart that she was happy, too.

**Author's note: so what did you guys think? I think I kinda bombed the ending, but I also did kind of like it. I'm not sure. Let me know.**

**Oh, and this is a stand alone book. No spin offs, no sequels. Just this book. But I will take requests for other ideas, because now I'm back to my writers block. Anyway, let me know.**

**~Karlee**


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